A memoir of my brother, who passed away at the age of 18 after a 5 year battle with cancer.
He was a larger than life, and I mean this in the most literal sense. Immense by any standard, Ryan towered at over six feet and required size 13 shoes, preferably red Converse high-tops. Courses of steroids and constant bed-rest worked in tandem with awe-inspiring eating to create a behemoth of massive proportions. He ended his life as a breathing pillow, the love child of Buddha and the Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. This is not to say that nature did not have its role. Ryan entered the world via emergency c-section, far too large to claim his place in the natural way. Towering over the other children, life was an endless tour of the crowns of heads.
While having a distinct advantage in sports and other physical pursuits, there were some moments of discomfort. Grace and poise were not his forte, nor was subtlety. Everything about Ryan was exaggerated. Towards the end, I often feared accidental death should he sit without looking. These tendencies towards physical clumsiness were mirrored in his personality and emotions. Full of energy and enthusiasm, Ryan projected his opinions in a booming voice, creating moments of hilarity and acute social embarrassment in equal proportion.
Normal vocal levels were not in his character, nor were restrained commitments. He carried everything out to the fullest. New pursuits called for painstaking research and the acquisition of every accessory and gadget imaginable. Traveling en familia was a saga, requiring double the luggage purely for his hobbies. My sister and I repeatedly griped about the absurdity and injustice of this asymmetrical packing scheme. Were we not the females? How dare this Y chromosome usurp our genetically given right to over pack! The inflated nature of his demands was surely additional, damning proof of favoritism and cosseting.
This pattern was continually replicated, nowhere more so than at the dinner table. Ryan’s dedication to life achieved its zenith in the gastronomical arts. Every meal, from the lowliest sandwich to the prima donna of prime-rib, was consumed with absolute gusto. Table manners and restrictions of polite society were no obstacle to the absolute enjoyment of every savory morsel. Once a dish was set before him, nothing could act as a barrier. The restrictions of waiting till all were served and thanks had been given were incessantly violated, despite exasperated objections and recriminations. Sweet, savory, hot and cold – no bias could be detected. Fettuccine alfredo, French toast, peaches and lobster were among his favorites, along with almost anything of chemical origin. Cheez-whiz was among his most disgusting of preferences.
Placing orders combined with family dynamics to create economical and political debates fit for the UN. While I favored salads, fish and the more frugal items, Ryan demanded top-shelf in everything. His declaration of surf-and-turf held the impact and shock-value of Iran’s claim to nukes. Neither was surprising, and yet each incident remained uniformly objectionable. His sins traversed the entrée list into beverages and desserts. Old standbys included strawberry daiquiris and the most extravagant chocolate dish available. Despite repeated objections, secretly I envied this ability to embrace desire and savor the opportunity. Thoughts of the future were immaterial when the joy of the moment beckoned.
These are mere examples, drops in a pool of a lifetime of experiences. Despite a myriad of instances from which to pull, what I truly picture when I call Ryan huge is his enormous heart; the loving nature and kindness he showed other creatures. Oven mitt hands would instantly gentle in the presence of an animal. Former fumbling objects of crushing destruction turned gentle and eloquent, offering comfort to the tiniest of kittens. Dogs, children, all those tender and meek, held a special place for Ryan. Had he been able, his family would surely have been an explosion of offspring and pets; a full-house to be sure, not to be constrained by concerns of economics and practicality. He loved his family and he loved his friends. While painful, Ryan made sure to fill his last days with visits from loved ones and four-legged friends. Abandoned dogs came by for some affection. His friends and the many people he touched ceaselessly popped in. I, myself passed a good week perched on his feet, simply watching him breathe and pretending not to inscribe every moment in my memory.
Ryan was surely a presence of magnificent proportions throughout his life. For better or for worse, he has played a determining role in creating who I am today. While physically gone, his spirit and influence continues in a multitude of ways, throughout an entire community. Every individual gets eulogized after his passing, becoming a caricature. I would be the last to deny his faults, surely most eager to enunciate each and every one. However, every creature is a mixture of good and bad. It is surely the whole that counts and Ryan was balanced towards the better.
May his memory continue and never cease to be a presence in my life.
